Surgery, Loss and Gratitude
February 2024
It seems like a few weeks ago I was laughing and crying with my mother, by her bedside. It is a few weeks away from her eleventh anniversary when she left this earth and crossed to the other side. Eleven years, it seems unreal to me that time has passed so quickly. I still hear her laughter and her voice. When my mother laughed, it was a laughter of joy, it was contagious, we laughed together a lot. I miss those days. Grief comes in waves, and I sit with that grief; missing her with my hands over my heart full of gratitude.
I am writing this a few days before I am admitted to the hospital for another knee surgery. This knee surgery is also a death I will grieve. The death of my own bones that will be removed and replaced with metal, a foreign object that my body will need to get used to and accept as its new knee. This healing process and therapy is not just physical, it is also mental therapy in which the brain will need to accept the foreign device and accept it as an ally. I learned about brain therapy the first time I had knee surgery at the age of 25 (that was a long time ago in the early 90’s) each P.T. session also included the brain therapy, it was fascinating to learn. I was given brain exercises so that my brain would recognize the tendon that replaced my ligament so it would function and recreate itself as a ligament. Truly mind blowing how the brain works successfully when you engage it and teach it.
Days later…. Surgery was successful. I’m three days post-op and uncomfortable, no pain, just uncomfortable. Also no pain meds needed, I have been off them since day 2 post-op. Saying good bye to a piece of my body was very emotional on the day of my surgery, which happened to be on Valentines Day. We mostly look at loss and grief when we lose a loved one in our lives, and yet, loss happens in many aspects of our lives. The loss of my own bone has truly been a tearful moment for me. I kissed my knee good bye moments before the anesthesia was administered, and my surgeon smiled and said he had never seen a patient recognize their own bone as a loss with so much love. Grateful for a successful surgery, and the recognition within my own heart that the loss of a part of my body is forever gone and replaced, yet, the memory of that bone, will always be with me as we walked, traveled and had amazing activities for 58 years together. Now the healing begins.